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Big Red - Grandious Bottomlus Rouge Crittersaurus
Native to the lush forests of Chile, the Grandious Bottomlus Rouge Crittersaurus or Big Red, as he is locally named, subsists on a diet primarily of anything containing atoms. Easily approachable, Big Red regularly engages his prey in hypnotic stream of self-serving conversation, gently lulling the victim to sleep before consumption.
Our zoological facility utilizes state of the art noise generating wavelengths cancelling out the tempting ramblings of the Grandious Bottomlus Rouge Crittersaurus, thus creating a safe environment for guests, staff and our exhibit animals alike. In the event of a loss of power, we strongly urge you to shatter our safety glass wherein you will locate the only known Big Red repellent. These devices are highly reflective and will create an unbreakable circuit with the Grandious Bottomlus Rouge Crittersaurus when the oculus or eye send a self image seen from the “safety mirror repellent” to the small and shriveled brain. The brain has developed synapses which await the addictive chemical reaction emitted by the creature seeing itself. This euphoric narcissistic state may continue for as long as eye contact is held with the reflective surface.
We are proud to have this example of devolution in our zoo and trust that you will pass this cautionary critter along to your friends and family as a warning to those who might cross paths with Big Red.
Blind Herman - Canna Seeus Aquaticus
I’ve always heard that eyes are the windows to the soul. Eyes can give great insight into who we are and sometimes, who we’re dealing with. Some folks have the shutters locked up nice and tight. Others are cooking soup and the glass has all fogged up. Some are shattered and bitter, gloomy and jaded, big, bright, rose-colored, beady, stained, strained, frosted, blown, scratched, polarized, reflective, and my favorite….clear. Others still have a wandering window and you’re not entirely sure which one to look at.
It’s been my experience that, you really can’t have a great conversation with a shark; it’s really hard to read their eyes. One minute you’re having a cold one, telling a few jokes, talking about the one that got away and then BAMMM they turn on you! Those big black eyes roll back white and then it’s all teeth! Not picture-taking, “let’s preserve this moment and laugh in a few years” teeth, but ”I’m going to pick little gristly and bits resembling you from my choppers later” ones!
This same thing happens with some people I’ve met. I’ve had folks look me square in the face and without a moment’s hesitation, lie. I’m taking caught red-handed lie. What makes this happen? When we’re kids, we lie to get out of trouble, but hopefully our parents are there to break the habit. Not lying is part of growing up and being able to be trusted. The nuns who taught us in school said that God was looking at us and every time we lied, we were that much closer to hell. What?! I can go to hell because I ate a whole bag of marshmallows and then blamed it on the Bermuda Triangle?! I lied when Father George’s church wine miraculously turned to water. I lied when I ate all of the fund-raising chocolate bars that I was supposed to sell. Who trusts a fat kid with a suitcase filled with chocolate?! My folks are lucky that I didn’t end up sunning in Zihuatanejo hand in hand with my cocoa bride by my side. They got off easy paying the digested $25 bucks. Sometimes, I even lied about things other kids did so they wouldn’t get in trouble!
I learned early on that you watch the eyes, but don’t get caught up in them. Studies have shown that if you gaze at someone’s eyes for more than 5 seconds, you’re either getting kissed or getting punched. Trust happens over time, not at one time. Fish will flounder and sharks will bite, it’s in their nature. We are more self-aware than that. We can change our habits. We can also easily fall back into them. Please be vigilant.
Ever lie about something and you don’t know why you did? Example:
Woman: Hey (your name here), long time no see! How are you?
Man: Yeah, it’s been a long time, (her name here)! I’m great!
Even when he’s lost his job or his relationship is in shambles or he is being stalked by his zombie ninja ex-girlfriend, yet he still answered, “I’m great!”
Is it that he’s wishing he’s that he was great or is it so the cheerful reunion doesn’t turn into a pity party? Honestly, it’s probably both. But think about this, what if by God or fate or serendipity, this is the one person who can help you and that’s why they were placed on your path?
So what if the conversation had taken this turn:
Woman: Hey (your name here), long time no see! How are you?
Man: Yeah, it’s been a long time, (her name here)! Honestly, things aren’t going so well.
Woman: What’s going on?
Man: Well, I got released a few weeks back after (ex’s name here) left me annnddd I’m being stalked by my zombie ninja ex-girlfriend.
Woman: (thoughtfully) Oh.
Man: I don’t mean to bum you out.
Woman: No, oh no, you’re not. We have a position that just opened up at the firm, you’d be perfect for! You should talk to (incredibly epic woman’s name here), she’s looking to date when she’s not hunting down zombies, ninjas and ex’s in her spare time.
So, the moral is: Never trust an eyeball free fish…Nope! Scratch that!!
I told my kids this: Be honest, with yourself, wash your windows frequently, you’ll get trusted more and you’ll have better people come into your life and the whole thing will make you happier, wiser and more satisfied with a life well lived.
Oh and as a side note: Never drink with sharks!
Gracie the Loving Squid - Desperatus Needamatius
Like most living things, our Gracie has the deepest wishes for true love. She’s met her share of toads pretending to be a prince, but all she got was a bad case of warts. By nature, the Desperatus Needamatius has love receptors built in and longs to feel complete.
Dear sweet Gracie, all you need is to love yourself and your perfect match will come along and love you all the more for it. Be great on your own and then find someone that shares your awesome with you!!
Lost & Found
Zoodanimals has a bottomless Lost and Found bin. Waaaay in the bottom, past the sunglasses, hats, infinite bottles of sunscreen and Tom Selleck coin purse, I found a hopelessly tender little bear. His fur was matted and ratty, he’d been patched up a few times. It was a sad, dirty, worn little bear. He looked like he’d known love and seen the smile of a child in his eyes and missed it. We decided to put him on a shelf in our customer service office.
A few weeks later we had a school group take our Behind the Zeens Tour where we show them things other visitors don’t get to see. As we entered the Customer Service office, one of the kids yelled out, “Mr. Charlie!” She was a little girl, around 9 or so with a huge ear to ear smile, told me that it was in fact her little bear that now sat upon our shelf.
The chances of that little lost bear being hers were slim. The chances of her getting an infection from that roughed up teddy were more in her favor. “How do you know?”I asked her. She proceeded to tell me that she could recognize him anywhere and that she could prove it. “My mom and dad gave me Mr. Charlie and put a penny in him from the year I was born. Take a look!”
Long story short, the little lost teddy was finally going home with his long lost friend…coin and all.
Lenny the Five-Legged Crustacean - Crustaciold Handicrabbulous
No trip to our Zoo would be complete without visiting our Underwater Petting Park! Make sure you keep an eye out for the former star of our extravaganza “Crazy ‘Bout Crabs”, Lenny the Five-Legged Crustacean! World renowned composer, Viktor Daniels (V.D.), joined forces with choreographer, Ester Bushbie in brought the world of the undersea exoskeleton cast of crabs to the surface.
Audiences from all around the world came in droves to get a taste of our crabs and dive into their world. The show was a huge success, Crazy ‘Bout Crabs T-shirts, travel mugs, plush dolls and hats flew off the shelves. Men, women, young and old alike left our zoo with cases of crabs merchandise left and right! The only downside was the fact that much of our product had a percentage of wool, making patron more prone to itching. To avoid any unpleasantness, we gave out soothing crab branded cream with every purchase. You’ll find that crab cream is now quite popular on the interwebs.
While celebrating the 400th performance, Lenny fell for the oldest crab joke in the book, you know the ol’ “Hold Onto This Stick of Buttery Garlic” gag. That was an unfortunate, yet delicious tragedy cost him a leg…a delectable leg. Make sure you wave to Crustaciold Handicrabbulous when watching our newest musical law drama called, “An Impossible Case of Crabs!”
Share this link with a friend and c’mon back to visit our Zoo!
Valentine Hamster - Emamorous Rodentia Inafuatustalkerous
Donated to our Zoo by Mrs. Gemma Restrain-Norder, the Norwegian Valentine Hamster thrives on love. Not love in a traditional sense, more of a neurological response to the emotions that love produces. Through research we have found that the Emamorous Rodentia Inafuatustalkerous has a very low metabolism and if not properly stimulated, will instantaneously gain 26-47% of its current body weight and hum what sounds like Lionel Ritchie songs.
The Emamorous Rodentia Inafuatustalkerous’ diet consists of asparagus, chili peppers, chocolate, oysters and Ginkgo (aka Spanish Fly) keeping it in a constant elevated state through these aphrodisiacs.
At the peak of its life cycle, the Valentine Hamster releases Cinnabon scented pheromones, picks up its own scent, thus releasing Dopamine and Norepinephrine shooting the tiny heart rate through the roof and falling into a trance-like state and generating what experts call the LePew Effect.
The effects of the LePew Effect afflicts affected olfactioned offenders of aphrodisiacs. Emamorous Rodentia Inafuatustalkerous not only inadvertently falls in love to any prey with forward facing eyes, but the LePew Effects are irreversible.
C’mon by and see our lovely Valentine Hamster available only here at www.zoodanimals.com
ALERT! This doesn’t normally happen here at the zoo, but we’ve been told that a rare case of Severe Facial Carrotitis. This is nothing to worry about, but we strongly encourage you to see our skilled staff of vets if you happen to develop any of the below symptoms.
* Swelling of the hips
* Orange-like skin pigmentation
* An afflicted vocabulary with excessive use of the terms “Um” “Ehhyyy” “Like” and “You know what I mean.”
* Trouble distinguishing real life from tv-sitcom life
* The urge to “mulletize” your hair
* And Phantom Vibrating Phone syndrome
Traditionally seen exclusively in the Eastern Continental United States, this rare and extremely contagious virus is passed on through direct contact or exposure to prolonged reality based programming.
The source of this particular strand has been traced back to a shipment of carrots imported from the shores of New Jersey. We feel confident that this contagion has been confined exclusively to our Furry ‘n Cute exhibits. The result has been cited as Awkward n’ Train-Wreckish, which will become the new name in the interrim for this section.
Avoid contagion and spread the word about Severe Facial Carrotitis and be sure to come back to enjoy our zoo!
The Strawberry Jellyfish - Gelatinous Berismrearontoastus
Our prized donation is the Gelatinous Berismrearontoastus or as is commonly referred as the Strawberry Jellyfish. After almost three decades of searching by academic, nature enthusiast and gentleman, Sir Archibald James Tomlinson VI, the once thought mythological sea creature, the Strawberry Jellyfish was finally captured on paper off of the Western California coast. Sadly, after years of tenacious pursuit, taxing his family life and savings Sir Archibald was forced into a life of solitude, living until 1992, on a small uncharted island off of the coast of Loka Chica’n Choka Heimlichi where at the ripe age of 96 passed away in his sleep after being eaten by a Great White Shark. The widow Tomlinson is quoted as saying after being told of the jellyfish discovery, “It actually exists! I was looking for this to avoid cleaning gutters at home.”
The family, who had suffered and both financial and emotions distress has established a Gelatinous Berismrearontoastus conservation fund to protect the once thought extinct species that Sir Archibald wasted his life for. Filming of the TV movie based on Tomlinson’s life begins this spring with 5 different actors playing the enthusiast at different phases on his life. You have the opportunity to see this marvel of nature exclusively here at Zoodanimals!
Fredward J. Spookstish - Transparentus Fraidobreathingus
A portion of the Zoodanimals complex is built on an old burial ground…we got one helluva discount that I just couldn’t pass up! This area now houses our children’s petting zoo and part of our Wonders of the Oceans exhibit. Some guests have noticed ghostly apparitions, flickering lights and the occasional missing churro. Our staff, now being familiar with the encounters, has named the odd specter Freddie the Neurotic Ghost.
Not used to seeing those who roam the Earth, Transparentus Fraidobreathingus is frightened by the sight of living beings. His actions are fairly repetitious; he wakes up around noon, passes a little gas, grabs a bite to eat and then flips out when he encounters a living person. Freddie has been known to faint, scream, cry and occasionally condensate himself. He has been heard saying, “Those kids scared the living nightlights right into me!”
C’mon by and bring a friend to meet and fright our pal, Freddie!
All Frank Hot Dog - Carnalpak Bluntius Critiqueosious
The Zoodanimals food court offers a wide variety of exotic and unique options. Our featured item is the spicy All Frank Hot Dog! Served with a side of attitude, the Carnalpak Bluntius Critiqueosious is a unique blend of all grass-fed beef, rabble-rousing herbs and outspoken spices with just a pinch of arrogant superiority. She’s sure to put you in your place, this zesty dish won’t take sass, but will surely serve you seconds!
Make it a combo with Anxiety Fries, a Self-Doubt Slushee and a freshly baked Chocolate Chip on his Shoulder Cookie for only $1.50 more.
Sure to be a hit at your table or just a pinch of reality as you walk through our zoo, the Zoodanimals All Frank Hot Dog is today’s top pick!
The Green-Streaked Sneezer - Contagious Outtadaschnozzus
Primarily residing in heavily commuted urban areas, the Green-Streaked Sneezer delivers a powerful and communicable mist of multi-colored mucus. Commonly known as the influenza dandelion, Contagious Outtadaschnozzus’ microscopic snot travels at twice the speed of common sense. The recessive courtesy gene of the Sneezer prevents it from shielding those around it from corporally launched missile attacks.
To fully understand and enjoy our Sneezer, we’ve created an immerse experience where you and your family can make contact and wander freely through her habitat. After filling out waivers, you’ll be handed a proprietary blend of pollen, pepper, dust and baby powder in collectable and complimentary mini Zoodanimals cheesecloth bag to provoke a sneezing fit to enjoy the complete effect of a Sneezer ritual.
Fashionable ponchos, slickers and facemasks are readily available at the Zoodanimals Giftshop at reasonable prices.
Ex-Killer Whale - Repentus Bigasswhaleus
In our marine park, we have an old favorite, Francis the ex-killer whale. Loved by many and feared by most, our black and white bud made a living through making a killing.
In his youth, Francis worked for an aquatic lobster mobster family as a cleaner. Seals, octopi, narwhals, anyone who failed to play back loan sharks for seahorse races gone south slept with the fishes. Literally, the fish worked the notorious red light buoy district and it was the easiest place to find someone who winced on a bet. Francis would rain down like a storm of electric eels and discreetly make them…disappear.
Now retired the Repentus Bigasswhaleus lives here the Zoodanimals Marine Park contemplating his deeds and living with the guilt of his fishy past.
The Spamalander - Compactilo Snoutnrumpius
The most unique biological feature of the the Compactilo Snoutnrumpius is the regenerative nature of any and all body parts. Being carnivorous by nature, the Spamalander is not only an omnivore, but is also cannibalistic. The almost ritualistic cannibalism traditionally is accompanied with pineapple, a light searing and the ceremonial “did I just eat SPAM?” chant.
The Spamalander is quite mobile, moving around on a thin layer of semi-transparent gelatinous base by means of gas expulsion and a system of spam sphincters located optimally around its body.
We welcome the Spamalander as the newest member of our zoo and hope he’ll be one of your favorites too!
Snow Country for Snowmen - Iciculius Hollijolli Erectus
Known for spreading winter cheer with an unquestionable tolerance for small children, the Iciculius Hollijolli Erectus’ lifespan is seasonal at best. Traditionally migratory, the commonly named “snowman” arrives in later winter and retreats, almost magically at the earliest signs of spring.
Prone to depression, the snowman falls apart at the drop of a hat and cannot tolerate event the simplest of conflicts. Typical reactions to conflict are profuse sweating, distortion of facial features and the occasional loss of limb. Always ready for a photo opportunity, the Iciculius Hollijolli Erectus is a welcomed sight at winter festivals and “snow days.”
The Nasal B.O. Constrictor - Olfatus Putrifactus
Using naturally generated body odor as a defense mechanism, the Olfatus Putrifactus releases a steady stream of throat-closing stench to stun it’s attacker and quickly retreat.
Traditionally found in confined urban settings such as a bus, commuter train or elevator, the N.B.O.C. has been spotted in gymnasiums, amusement parks and most recently in front of this humble zookeeper at the grocery store.
If spotted, please do not approach, as it will either assume attack or attraction and will react accordingly.